I read a few things that other people have said about me, and it’s HILARIOUS.
Petty women who don’t get their way will do anything to bring a winning woman down. I’m better than that.
When you go to sleep at night, remember who won, Jayce <3
I read a few things that other people have said about me, and it’s HILARIOUS.
Petty women who don’t get their way will do anything to bring a winning woman down. I’m better than that.
When you go to sleep at night, remember who won, Jayce <3
I’m a crier. I cry for legitimately what seems like everything. Ask anyone who’s spent more than a day with me, and they would tell you that.
Whether I’m happy, sad, frustrated or simply watching tv and a commercial comes on that tugs at your heart strings, just the right amount... the dam breaks and here comes the waterworks.
Lately, however, it just feels like someone left the faucet running at a constant light drizzle. You know, the kind where you thought you turned the knob tight enough in the ‘off’ position, but it wasn’t complete? Yeah. That’s where I’m at these days.
I get triggered by the smallest things and start crying at the drop of a hat! I lovingly see similarities in actors facial expressions on tv and in the characters in movies, then begin uncontrollably sobbing. I dream and have nightmares where this ended differently - both positively, as well as negatively.
I unwillingly play back memories and succumb to flashes of events; everything we’ve been through from the highs (figuratively for me and very literally for him), and the lows.
I get mangled by these ‘rewinds’ and replays... how he so easily switched back and forth between love, tension and hate towards me. I hear him in my head say I’m the best thing he’s ever had, and in the next how nasty and disgusting I am. I remember what it’s like to sleep or dance in his arms - or how he’d nuzzle his face in my neck while I was cooking in the kitchen... and how I recoiled when he punched my car dashboard in anger. How his hands touched me always so sweetly and every time he yelled because I caught him in lie after lie.
My heart wants to speak to him, just as it wanted to jump out of my chest that September day in court, follow him through the cage and hug him. I’ve never wanted to run to someone so badly in my life... like the first time I saw him in my apartment parking lot after getting back from Ohio. I’ve never loved but also feared someone in the same moment; maybe because the person I loved was an illusion. Maybe I miss the man he pretended to be, not the actual man himself.
All I know is that I can’t get the plumbing to work correctly. I haven’t found the way to fix this runny faucet or how to tighten up... and I’m wasting water.
I’m just so broken
There’s something to be said about sitting in your childhood living room with your parents and feeling “home”. It’s just safe. You can check your emotional baggage at the front door, walk in and it’s like you’re a teenager again and no time has passed. Sometimes I think back to that day in September I had to write my statement for court, and I remember feeling like that was gone. It had been taken from me, stripped away like when peeling wallpaper off a hallway you’re remodeling.
Growing up, I’d unfortunately watched my mother, a paralegal, help several of my friends compose similar letters - I never imagined I could be one of them one day, having to look at a judge and explain as a victim what had been done to me, and how I didn’t feel safe. After four months, it still hasn’t fully come back.
I'd forgiven him so many times for lying during the time we were together. Each one, he made me look and feel equally foolish for forgiving and choosing to believe him and his tall tales of any attempt at sobriety while under my roof. I spent so many nights crying after dropping him off at work, only from pure exhaustion was I able to sleep.
He told me he loved me, that I was the “only one he’s ever wanted to marry and have children with”; that he wanted a future with me… that I was the only one he’d ever been “madly in love” with and said he’d only ever said it first to me - but is that even true? Come on Jaycie… no. It’s simply what he’s told us all to love-bomb us into enabling him and getting what he wants.
If he loved me, and more importantly if he RESPECTED me, he would have told me the truth - every single time. He would have ensured that over all else, bullshit aside, I would have trust in him always even if it made me unhappy to find out the truth.
For someone who claimed that “there’s no relationship without trust”, he sure never gave me any reason to ever do so. If that had been the case, I would have been given a choice. I understand too much shit in this life; I understand human motive and reason.
He lied about everything. After speaking with multiple members of his family, I was finally able to piece together the facts and figured out the truth.
Lie 1: He never had a car, his brother never borrowed said car, and the non-existent clutch never went out.
Lie 2: He didn’t have a real job. He got paid cash, under the table at craigslist odd side jobs so he could dodge paying court mandated child support and garnished wages.
Lie 3: He lied about how many children he had. At first, he said he only had a daughter. Then, that he has a daughter and a son. THEN he failed to mention that his second son was in fact not conceived as an act of kindness for a woman who couldn’t have children, but that it was an unplanned accident he couldn’t afford to keep.
Lie 4: He is a felon for his own cocaine possession. He has an ACTIVE heroin addiction, not just his past. He said the paraphernalia I found (on multiple occasions) was not his.
Lie 5: His ‘apartment’ didn’t burn down in the Thomas fire, rather he was fired from his job, and homeless… and both he and his (also heroin addicted) mother (who never had COPD, btw - Lie #6) used the Red Cross for shelter. I could go on, but you get the point….
He asked me to give him back some paperwork he’d left one evening in August… I said I would send it back to him by mail, as I didn’t want to see him - I was terrified that I would get sucked right back in to the lying and manipulation, due to my feelings for him. He refused to accept that answer and showed up to my neighborhood anyway… I agreed to let him pick everything up from my empty balcony, and as I watched him walk up to it through my sliding glass door my heart broke just as I thought it would all over again. Seeing him trying hard to look nice for me -a black collared button up shirt, and what looked like clean hair and a recent shave - made me weak. It made me feel as if I should let him back in… I logically knew I couldn’t trust this wouldn’t happen again, and my emotions fought hard to surface. After becoming upset to learn that my job was aware of everything to that point, he frightened me again with suicidal ideation.
That’s when I contacted police, and that’s when everything changed. If I had to pick a turning point - that night was it. It was no longer about him and I and whether or not to get back together; it became “How can I get him the help he needs? How can I hold him accountable and stop this insanity? How can I stop this from happening to me and to someone else?” He did this all to the others. As I came to find friendship in the trauma, the flood gates of truth eventually opened.
After a couple hours out front with officers and mental health crisis evaluators, his enabling Aunt made up a story about me “messing with his head” and that’s why he was in an extreme emotional state. Due to California law and needing to meet specific criteria to “violate his rights” and put a 72-hour hold on him, they let him walk away from that toxic event, in an uber his enabling aunt paid for no doubt.
The officer suggested I get a restraining order, and that is exactly what I did. What I didn’t expect was just how much he would violate it.
The letter my mother painfully helped me draft for court was probably the easiest part of this whole scenario… Which says a lot, because writing that thing was a bitch.
I think we spent so much time trying to sound appropriate for court, all the while trying to explain everything that happened. The good part was focusing on composition helped me keep my emotions at bay. I'd been such a frantic mess, that it felt nice to not think about how I felt in that moment, but to force myself to sum up facts and events like math calculations - no emotions or feelings, just logic. Black and White versus the ever present grey any other time.
I’ve read my emotions out loud before; once back at a poetry reading in the back room of a valley pub in 2016. It was raw and a beautiful expression of how I loved someone who was incapable of returning that love in a healthy way (seems to be a running theme with me). This was a whole different ball game.
This time, I not only had to read my feelings to a room full of strangers, I had to read it in front of the very person who I still loved; who I allowed to victimize me because of my feelings. Adding insult to injury, he was unshowered, miserable and in handcuffs. There’s one thing I will wish you never have to see - someone you love, who just weeks prior kissed, hugged and promised to support - seated behind a wrought iron enclosure, dressed in a county-provided blue uniform and in handcuffs, head down. I know he saw me while I was in the victim’s separate room, between the blinds. What he doesn’t know is that I wasn’t crying because I “didn’t care and she’s playing the victim”… I was crying because I still did care very much and I broke into pieces when I locked eyes with him through the gate and the window to that room, fifteen feet away. He made a crucial mistake, though.
The only thing that made it easier to hold my ground and continue was when I saw the public defender hand him my statement and accounts of abuse, in disclosure, through the bars. That was when his emotions got the best of him, and he began shaking his head and making gestures while reading it. Watching his mannerisms change from sad and somber to angry and defensive gave me the strength I needed in that moment to open the courtroom doors, walk in with my head held high and take a seat next to my parents and wait to be called by the judge.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous in my life to read out loud the following statement:
“I don’t know where to begin. I’ve written this statement several times and still don’t feel like it says everything I want to say. I could fill novels with the damages I’ve incurred from the defendant’s lies and betrayal as well as the feelings and insecurities resulting from his emotional abuse.
This entire ordeal has been nothing short of a nightmare. I am an educated woman with both a bachelor’s and a master’s degree by age 22. I consider myself to be a fairly intuitive person, but he had me doubting myself as well as events I’d witnessed firsthand. He would say I’d seen things that didn’t happen – his manipulative nature and exceptional ability to forge lies to sound like truth had me reduced to a trauma-bonded girlfriend. His ability to evoke empathy out of specific and detailed lies played on my kind and giving nature on several occasions. He easily influenced me into believing his apartment burned in the Thomas fire rendering him homeless. It had not, and he took advantage of the support of the Red Cross last December to provide he and his mother shelter, as well as relocation resources, which is morally unacceptable to me.
The defendant violated my trust, my boundaries, my kindness and my open heart. After the decision to end the relationship was made, there was an onslaught of further emotional abuse – something he is no stranger to. He stole possessions …”
like my Jawbone fitness tracker he so graciously posted online for my benefit…
“…and money, attempted to steal my credit card, housed drugs in my apartment without my knowledge and conned me into feeling empathy and love strictly for his own survival.
He has a pattern of badgering his women, harassing them, becoming emphatically emotionally abusive and creating fake online profiles in an attempt to contact and ‘reconcile’. If that doesn’t work, the suicide threats and placing of false blame begin. There was an instance in August where he claimed to have overdosed strictly to make me feel responsible for his emotional state - that he no longer wished to live, and was rushed to the Emergency Room by ambulance with family in tow. I had called the police for several welfare checks during these threats, and was informed there was no such call for Pulse Point or Gold Coast that day… When those threats of suicide no longer work, he then gets nasty and belligerent. Between the hundreds of obscene emails, the 150 overwhelming and vulgar text messages in one day, and the cumulative phone numbers I had to block, I am at my wit’s end.”
He created 18 new email addresses after I’d blocked his original one. It didn’t stop there. He called and texted me non-stop from 53 phone numbers to urge me to get back together or to offend me and call into question my “promiscuity”. Several, pretending to be other people to illicit responses. When that didn’t work, he took to many social media platforms (43 Facebook accounts, 34 Instagram accounts, and 13 Pinterest accounts) to do the same thing. Unfortunately, most of the attempted contacts were not to communicate, but instead, were to verbally abuse and threaten me.
“The crude words and accusations he’s made me endure over time have been emotionally taxing, draining on my personal friendships, and negatively affecting my therapeutic progress and mental health. I am always on edge, stress lives in my shoulders and causes undue anxiety that he or others may show up to my home in an attempt to exact revenge. This has now become a battle for me to recover from this trauma. Additionally, through these hundreds of attempts at electronic contact, he’s apparently researched and sent me Google images of my childhood home in another county with my car parked in my parent’s driveway. This has stripped me of any safety zone, from both my current home, and now where I grew up.
I began sleeping and waking up with headaches and awakening from nightmares of him or others outside my window. I am exhausted in the mornings, and have been unable to wake up for work on time on multiple occasions. I feel emotionally numb at times, and have stopped enjoying things that I used to enjoy. I haven’t run in weeks, for fear that if I turn a corner, he’ll be there - or awaiting me at my doorstep, since he claimed he would cut his throat and be there for me to find. I now cautiously look over my shoulder and have a paranoid awareness of my surroundings at all times, so much so that I have now purchased a home security system and several cameras for safety.
Prior to meeting him, I never knew what words like “rig” or “the ditch” referred to. I’d never seen a syringe other than when witnessing a flu shot or a diabetes injection. I had never seen or smelled heroin, or what it made people look like.”
“Now when I smell vinegar in the future, it will remind me of this time of my life and how I once loved a drug addict who tried to use me and stole from me and abused my giving heart.
I had never first hand seen the damaging affects drugs have on a person’s body, their mind, or their actions. You go through drug education programs in school and learn about it, but you never think of “junkies” as functioning members of society. I grew up in a much protected household, and I hate that I now have more knowledge of judicial process and have been made into a statistic. I am now technically a “victim” in the eyes of the court, the advocates, the attorneys and his probation officers. That’s embarrassing, making me feel a range of several emotions of which I have no idea how to process. Add “post-traumatic stress” and now, begrudgingly, domestic violence victim. I am not the first made victim by the defendant, but I hope I am the last.”
I asked the judge in court that day during our hearing that he be required to complete inpatient drug rehabilitation and random drug screenings thereafter, for the duration of his probation. I also asked that he be mandated to find alternative housing, away from his addict mother who has enabled him in previous attempts for his sobriety.
“I was and am still fearful of this behavior continuing, once he is released. The defendant’s obsession, co-dependence of drugs and/or women and clouded judgment stem from his previous drug use, and it is a threat to my safety and mental health, as well as that of others, should he not be in compliance of these requests.”
“I’ve lost a part of myself in loving him that I’ll never get back: For caring for him more than I cared for myself. For caring more about his welfare than my own. I can’t trust people mean what they say anymore because of him.”
If you ever have to read a victim statement in court, DON’T read it in order to reason with your abuser. EVER. Read it for YOU. I had people warn me not to, since they wanted me to heal and move forward without giving him a second more of my time or energy… I didn’t listen.
I’m even reading this statement right now, for myself yes, but also stupidly hoping that it reaches him on a level that makes him cautious in the future and that he makes healthy choices; So that he doesn’t use and abuse drugs or take advantage of some new poor, unsuspecting and trusting female... like he did me; I hope he realizes that this is rock bottom; that he gets healthy again and does better.
I couldn’t save him by enabling him... so I hope I can at least help him understand.”
The rest of the court hearing was a blur to me, and thankfully, my father was cracking jokes left and right about drugs and my mom is complaining about how terribly the public defender was doing her job. I was grateful for the distraction, but I was side-eyeing my ex while he stood, listening to the judge. She eventually became the teacher from Charlie Brown. All I thought right then was hopefully he heard me. That he maybe felt what I was feeling and how badly I didn’t want any of this to end this way.
It was an extreme case of victim bargaining and cognitive dissonance… which is when you’re having inconsistent thoughts relating to behavioral decisions or attitude changes. To believe he’d hear me out is implying he actually gives a crap about what he just did to me, or is capable of any empathy.
But still, as I sat in court and watched him speak to the judge in short “yes” an “no” responses, I felt for him. He’s only a product of two shitty, drug-addicted parents and had no real male figure to truly emulate. Knowing that, and understanding it, my heart has broken too much for him that I believe the pieces “could pass through the eye of a needle”.
As he turned around and followed the officer leading him back to main jail, all I wanted to do was to exit the court room with him and speak to him. Hug him. Rewind time, and wish he was never a liar; that I was never afraid of him - I so desperately wanted to believe in every promise he made. I didn’t want to give that up. When he walked out, a piece of me walked out with him.
Being afraid of someone you love and being unsure of what they’re capable of is maddening. It’s this confusing fight between rational thoughts and your feelings. You feel guilty for loving them and terrible for feeling guilty. Being gas-lit and manipulated, well it just sucks. They’re supposed to be your person: your best friend, the only person you can rely on... and instead they become the very person you are afraid of and should protect yourself from.
Time is served, he gets released two weeks later. I had two weeks of silence and it was fucking glorious after not having peace for almost two whole months. However, I don’t think I’ve ever cried more. I was finally able to digest everything that had transpired and the healing process began immediately and it was excruciating.
Just as I started to relax and fully let myself feel everything I’d gone through, an old message he sent me on a dating site freaked me out. Then on all the platforms, he began popping up as within 13 miles of me and in retrospect, I know where he was at the time - somewhere I imagine he is now, trying to avoid being arrested for his bench warrant on his failure to appear in court. Everything I’d known about his fidelity was laughable. As he was with one person, he was still seeking me out.
Each time I came across his profile, I reported him to the associated agency and sent forward my documentation of his abuse as well as the restraining order documents. I would warn them that he had no business making more women his victims and without telling me they blocked and deleted his accounts, they each disappeared. Until they popped right back up again. On one, he sent me a smiley face and on another, he “swiped” right. What smarty-pants didn’t know is when you pay for Tinder or Bumble, they show you who has already swiped and liked you. I took screen shots of it all, forwarded it to his probation officer and upon arrest, we went to court the following day.
As I was finding parking in the lot closest to the law library, I noticed a man in a my favorite color - a teal/lighter blue and black plaid shirt, walking slightly ahead of a girl with long hair and glasses. I think I was mid left turn into another aisle when I locked eyes with him and realized who it was. My stomach had begun easing over the course of those three weeks, and it all came rushing back like a swift punch to the gut. Not only was he walking around, parading a false level of cockiness, he actually followed through with one of the threats he’d made while still attempting to win me back - to bring another girl to the hearing. I started laughing at the audacity of the power move. In my mind, I toasted his amount of pettiness but then also questioned the sanity of said chess pawn; I thought to myself “Now THAT is a helluva first date! Guess this is what you have to look forward to yourself!” I thought, perfect! She’ll get to hear and prepare for whats ahead of her.
Immediately, I regretted the thought - not so long ago, I’d been right where she was. Well, not literally, but I would have (and DID) believe every lie he told - why wouldn’t I have? If he would’ve brought me to court to battle one of his exes at the height of his love-bombing stages, I probably would have sat by his side too, the exact same thing.
Man, he’s good at getting sympathy. Like, if it was an Olympic sport, he would win Gold. Every time. Hands down. I’ve heard so many stories about his ability to get out of trouble simply because he was able to bullshit his way out of things.
His probation officer asked me for a statement, and like last time, I went in and read it. It never gets easier… Just FYI. There was an 18-year-old girl who was also there in the victim room with me this time, and she was just as nervous as I was the previous time. Helping her, and supporting her felt cathartic. As much as reading the following to a now seated-five-feet-away-from-me ex-boyfriend of mine was:
“I wanted to take the time to express my anxiety over this case and the defendant's lack of understanding a simple "no-contact" order. I've spent the last three weeks trying to mourn the loss of a false representation of a relationship I thought to be real. I have been grasping at the mental and emotional recovery that needs to take place.
I've seen several therapists, re-filled a now increased dosage of depression and anxiety prescriptions, and am trying to make a sincere attempt to begin rebuilding my life after the destruction the defendant has caused to my livelihood. I am both angry and heartbroken that I was capable of being in this situation at all.
I had to change my phone number, change my social media, stop posting on my blog and allow comments from followers; all to make efforts to be invisible and battling feeling socially penalized for the his behaviors and lack of boundaries; where he gets to have internet access and make efforts to communicate with me and others like a normal civilian and I have to hide away. My rights are limited due to sheer terror of who may be on the sending end of any digital communication ON TOP of scared to walk alone in my neighborhood and potentially seem him near my grocery store, for example.”
There was a day where I could have SWORN I saw him. I swear I locked eyes with a man in his camouflage jacket and signature knitted beanie behind the wheel of a black Prius at the intersection where I was turning into and it freaked me the hell out. I pulled over and fought every urge I had not to turn around and follow to see if it was him. The juxtaposition of feeling both visceral fear and love simultaneously for a person is a confusing combination.
“I struggle daily with the trauma, effects and emotional marks that he has left on me. That is sufficient damage enough, not including the rumination and over analysis I am expected to endure over the recovery process, however long that may be.”
This was not a normal break up. I’ve gone through the worst gas lighting of my existence, and need to work through the fact that he was not everything I wanted - he was just a good actor. Minimization of the abuse he put me through is something I’m no stranger to - his Aunt and mother did a pretty good job of making me feel like I “played with his heart”, when all I wanted was a boyfriend who was honest and sober. They say “Survivors tend to ruminate over incidents of abuse as well as the initial love-bombing they received from their abusers. Baffled onlookers (counselors, friends, family members) may assume that the survivor is ‘stuck’ or ‘can’t move forward’ because they ruminate over the incidents of abuse.”
“Survivors of any form of abuse are always attempting to sift through the thoughts, feelings, and memories which have caused them this cognitive dissonance. That’s why they tend to tell their stories again and again – because they are attempting to provide a coherent narrative to the trauma they just experienced. To interrupt the process of rumination in a way that is judgmental and invalidating is especially harmful to a survivor who is just trying to figure out what happened to them.”
Asking me to “look within” and “know my worth” can even cross over to victim-blaming, and you need to understand the effects of the trauma bond that we developed with the abuser throughout the course of the relationship. This is a bond created by the intense, emotional experiences in the abuse cycle. I say again, this was not a normal breakup.
-without even really understanding what that meant!
By caring for him and trying to make his life better, I made it worse. I gave him the easiest ways to keep doing what he wanted to do and living the life he TRULY wanted… not the one with me, but the one where he didn’t have to work hard for money or drugs. Where he could lay back, and let me do the work while he skated through. Similar to the previous girlfriends he abused and cheated on.
I only ever wanted him sober. I only ever wanted him to be honest. I didn’t want to be mixed up in the illegal activity. I loved him and believed there was something good still buried inside him somewhere… and I still do. I just can’t be a part of it.
This truly was the only way for him to get sober. Saying he didn’t want to live and threatening to kill himself wasn’t healthy. I didn’t want it to get to this point, but I tried to help him and he wasn’t doing it for himself or for his kids. His reasons weren’t to get better or be better, they were to keep me. The fact that he now has a probation officer on his case for the next three years making sure he legally cannot be around drugs and he has to complete domestic violence counseling gives me hope that I did the right thing.
I got the restraining order out of fear - making sure that I couldn’t be contacted and verbally abused by him for my decisions - but also because I didn’t have the self control to not respond. He wasn’t making changes that needed to be made and I couldn’t save him because he wouldn’t save himself. I had to save myself from going under alongside him. I was hurting us both to save us both in the long run.
I tried to convey that in court with my statement, but he heard none of it. He thought I was simply plotting to ruin his life.
If he’d listened to me, he would know that I had to leave him, even though my heart didn’t want me to... that’s why his Aunt thought I was going back and forth and “playing with his heart”. He hadn’t changed for his kids - what on Earth made me think I was special to get him to change?
I was battling my feelings for him versus what needed to be done. He broke my heart by lying to me and by using. It broke my heart to leave him while I still loved him. It broke my heart to see him in custody that day in court, and I was nervous I would cry... but his anger and vulgarity made me confident and reminded me I was doing this all for my recovery instead of a way to “reach” him. He didn’t even listen to me or what I wanted him to hear of my statement. He’ll never know that I did this all for him.
He just sat there, shaking his head and mumbling nonsense under his breath… and it devastated the hope in me, even though I know for a fact it’s a façade and he is simply embarrassed that this is his reality.
Everything I felt for him was real. Everything is real. I am mourning the person I fell for - the person he pretended to b and so desperately wanted to be what I deserved but wasn’t able to execute. I so desperately wanted them both to be the same. I loved him more than I’ve ever loved anyone before... That was always the truth. I’ll never be able to trust it ever was for him and that fact is devastating.
I think about teaching him to slow dance in my living room and that memory is tainted now. I wonder if he was looking around attributing dollar values to what he could steal from me and what he could sell or trade for drug money. I wonder if he actually enjoyed my company and wanted to be with me, instead of constantly lying to me and proving otherwise. The fact that I’m even second guessing his motives to anything and everything while we were together is a cut that runs deeper than any other hurt I’ve ever known.
I think about the good version of him every day, and am still hopeful he’s in there. Seeing him like this, angry, using and denying his problems, actually hurts me. All I’ve ever wanted was him to be healthy and happy.
I’m not a religious woman… I don’t even know what’s up there. But I pray and hope on everything I love that he gets the help he needs. I’d hate for him to self-fulfill the prophecy of winding up like his father or his mother, using drugs well into her sixties, “flying signs” for easy money. I’d hate for him to look as haggard as she looks, like he’s 90 at only 63, because he’s so handsome. I’d hate for him to accidentally overdose like he pretended he did, or like his cousin actually did. A lot of people love him. A lot of people still love him, despite the despicable person he has been in his past.
Your past abuse explains your abusive acts now, but it doesn't excuse it. Unless you try to make positive changes, your crappy behavior is going to remain on you. You can’t say it’s your past if it’s still your present, Ankles.
Healing… and a heart that will no longer break. That’s what I wish.
So, I recently announced publicly that I’m a distributor for the It Works! product line. I’ve never been a distributor for this, or Herbalife (which was my primary protein shake source), or any other networking sales company before.
I have, however, used their products throughout my journey and have nothing but appreciation for those who have tried their best to sell this product. Initially, the whole reason to join was strictly to get free products. The Berry Greens-on-the-Go were what I’d used back in 2014 into 2015 to jump-start my journey, and I knew I needed more in order to do that again. I then began using the Body Contouring Wraps and Defining Gel for the extra skin I had - to help elasticize it and reduce it. The before and after photos from that last couple of months of that year really show a difference from the hard work I was already doing, my “try” and the It Works stuff just gave me a little “umph”.
In celebrating the fact that I’m new and trying out all the great things they have to offer, I’m hosting a giveaway! YAY!
Enter to win a sample wrap valued at $25 now (to the right!) so you can experience this product for yourself! I’ll send you the wrap with a guide of how to get the best results from the wraps.
I think it’s rather interesting the mixed reviews and comments I received in the last ten days. Not only do people have this perception of this company as “bad” or they think it’s a scam, they look down one those it actually works for because of it’s potential for being fraudulent in it’s claims or a scheme to take people’s money without delivering a quality product; peddling it for money and ‘get-rich-quick’ mentality.
What about Apple products? What about Victoria’s Secret, or Starbucks? Do they not “peddle” their coffee or advertise what their “offers” are and what they sell as products? "Peddling" is such a negative word for "advertising"... I wonder why there’s this stigma with this company, more so than any other doing simply the exact same thing - but helping others get healthy instead of spending an inordinate amount of cash on the latest iPhone, something we all accept as a necessity.
Will this product line make you magically skinny in a month? NO
Do you still need to eat a proper, balanced meal? YES
Does this replace hard work and exercise? NO
It never claimed to do that - If you look at the advertising, it states in plain lettering on the Keto Energy, for example:
“Energize your body and focus your mind, whenever and wherever you need a boost! Rip a packet open and let the powder melt in your mouth –no water needed!
Keto Energy is powered by Vitamins B6, B12, and encapsulated caffeine. The combination of Vitamins B6 and B12 boost brain function to enhance your mood and help your body to better deal with stress and fatigue. The encapsulated caffeine helps to improve your mental performance while increasing stamina.”
That’s EXACTLY what other pre-workouts do! For example, this is what is on the Cellucor’s C4 product description (what I’ve also used in the past, and is the exact same price): “Explosive energy, heightened focus and an overwhelming urge to tackle any challenge...that’s the C4 experience.” The difference with the It Works products and other brands, if you look at the ingredients, is they have other not-so-great additional constituents. Just check out the facts:
and that’s just ONE example out of MAAAAAANY of their products!
ItWorks not only sells this pre-workout, they sell 30 other products, most of which I’ve begun ordering myself. The girlfriend of mine who helped me get into it again swears by their CollagenWorks Tropical Crush Drink, so much so that I’ve ordered it strictly due to the results she’s had. to become familiar with them and see what I like the most
Supplements that are not only expensive but most hadn’t made a difference in my performance in the gym. That’s what I liked most about this line (and Herbalife to be completely honest). The name is ItWorks for a reason, and to boot they’re all Non- GMO and made of botanical ingredients you can actually pronounce!
Will these products fix all of your ailments? NO!
It WILL, however, enhance the healthy steps you’re ALREADY making by eating properly and exercising, though. This is what a "supplement" does. It doesn’t *replace* a routine or a practice. It ADDS to it, and helps you obtain your goals. You have to do the work, this just assists you in your effort.
The products aren’t going to work if you don’t! As with everything - ALL supplements, such as protein powder, pre-workouts and other things offered out there - they’re “ADD ONS”, not a replacement for healthy eating and exercise.
I’m so excited to be in the ItWorks family, truthfully! I’m not a salesperson. I never have been good at it, nor do I like that feeling. What I am good at though, and have done on this blog for almost three years now is share what I’ve used personally - my mistakes and triumphs….and I’m sharing that all with with you, Piggie Posse!
I’m thrilled for what’s to come and I can’t wait to help others make some exciting changes in their lives! The reason I joined, like I said, was because I wanted my own products at the lower prices (if not completely free) and right now there’s a promotion until December 24th where you can join for JUST $20 AND you get a box of wraps, a sample of the defining gel and a get-started distributor kit! Some people choose to sell those 4 wraps ($25 a piece is what they sell for) to get their immediate investment back, and some keep the wrap to continue their own experience.
As a distributor you’ll get:
a 40% discount on all products,
You’ll earn bonuses
You’ll earn free product
You’ll earn commissions on every sale you make and best of all
You’ll meet some amazing people!
I’ve made some new friends in the past 10 days and their stories are pretty inspiring; these fearless women have strength, drive and determination. If you’re interested in being on my team as a distributor I’d love to have you join us! Join my team by filling out THIS FORM and learn more - let’s start working your business together! PLUS I’ll give you the promo code for that $79 discount on your enrollment.
Fitting that this should pop up around now. The left photo was me six years ago. Then, when I started watching the crap I put into my body, I slimmed down quite a bit in under 13 months.
You all know how and why if you follow me here at The Soaring Swine, but getting back into the swing of things has been tough... especially with all the crap I've been through lately. I’ve struggled quite openly, and I know I haven’t been making the best choices for myself. I’ve gone through the depression tunnel of my trauma, and I’m beginning to see the end of it. The reason for this post is to finally put that to rest and re-focus on what I want. To put it down here, to shout it to the universe and make it happen again.
I just haven't felt motivated or up to it being both emotionally and physically exhausted. So, I'm excited to say I've hopped on board the It Works! train... looking forward to having more energy and feeling happier and healthier, and back to myself again.
Managing this weight loss wasn’t easy - like I’ve said over the course of the last few years, it takes dedication, routine, and a whole lot of determination to get to the goals you want. I used so many different products and methods to get to the above photo on the right. I went through Herbalife Rebuild Strength shakes, the local health-quake shop in Ventura and drank both aloe and collagen. This coupled with eating properly and exercising is the way I was able to get to my goals and I’m excited to say I’ve started re-framing my journey and honing what it is I truly want that will make me happy. The happiest I’ve ever been was when I was working towards a better version of myself.
In order to get to this level of health and fitness, I used the Berry greens religiously. I also used the Fat Fighters when I could afford to buy them both at once. Find them and other helpful products on my page HERE.
I just want to be healthy again, and I’m looking forward to making that happen.
I write for therapy, if you all haven’t discovered this by now.
Growing up, my mother always told me to “have a little mystery”. I remember it vividly because she was always trying to keep me from showing too much of myself to those who would turn around and use it against me, which was her right and duty as a mother to protect her child.
At the time, I didn’t understand why I should hide the parts of myself that made me who I am - which I still don’t - I don’t think the lesson of holding mystery ever truly got through to me, as I clearly have a blog and put myself out there nearly every week with my feelings and thoughts for you all to read. I’ve also grieved and struggled with my trauma very openly lately, and many of you may find it irritating how vocal I am - you might describe it as my “seeking attention”, or a cop out. Shit, these might just be my own projections but I felt like this has to be said, for my own health and healing.
“Why is she posting another meme on Facebook?” “How can she fall apart so publicly??” Because I don’t know how to fall apart. Because I’ve never been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder before. Because I’ve never had to recuperate from loving someone with an addiction. I don’t know how to heal from this. I’ve never been abused or been subjected to this kinda of trauma before, and because frankly, I don’t care how many times I have to say or reiterate something to finally feel better. I will heal on MY timeline and however publicly or privately I choose.
How sad is that? When someone goes through a traumatic life event, we immediately categorize them into one of two labels: deserving and understanding of their emotions and validate their experience, OR we devalue what they’re feeling and what they’ve gone through.
They say don’t rush - “don’t jump in too soon” - they say to hold back, have mystery…
Well, it may be stupid or reckless, but I refuse to apologize for loving all in and hard. The fact that I’m capable of doing that means I have a huge heart. Yes, I may give it to the wrong people or those undeserving and it may hurt me, but I wouldn’t be my authentic self.
I’m in roller derby, and injured my arm last week. is that going to keep me from skating? NO
Every person deals with and goes through their own process of healing, and every bit of progress is different for everyone. I’ve been saying this for almost two whole years now, after the narcissistic abuse of my adulterous ex-boyfriend:
“Hard is not relative; Hard is Hard. Who can tell me that explaining [your story] is harder than telling your child you’re getting a divorce?” There is no “hard-er”, there’s just “HARD”
We need to stop ranking each other’s issues and experiences against one another to value or devalue their existence.
It’s called compassion. I’ve spent years focusing on what I can do for others and sacrificing my own happiness to do what is either expected of me to fit within a box or to cater to others and their needs.
This is and will be very much about me.
Like I said l this time last year in Your Healthy Fat Survival Guide, “Non–Fat foods are good for me, right? Like, they’ll help me lose weight? WRONG! We actually need fats; can't live without them, in fact.”
They keep our skin soft, deliver fat-soluble vitamins, and are a great source of energizing fuel. It is BEYOND easy to be overwhelmed by all of the dietary knowledge out there right now about what’s good for you and what’s bad – there are so many conflicting messages and fads out there in the world, that I understand your confusion.
Healthy Fats are UNSATURATED fats (or poly and mono saturated fats to be specific), or ones that raise our HDL/good cholesterol and lower LDL levels. These all stars of the fat section of your grocery aisles provide essential fatty acids to our bodies.
Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Grass Fed Butter
Chia or Flax Seeds
What are good fats vs. bad fats? How much fat should I eat? How do I avoid artery-clogging Trans fats? What is an omega-3?
I’ve written about it numerous times – specifically in Your Healthy Fat Survival Guide, The 3 Secrets of Clean Eating that Everyone Misses AND in How to Boost your Metabolism.
*Many* foods low or void of fats are mainly high in sugars, refined carbohydrates, and calories. If you look at the last 35 years and read myths regarding the Low-Fat Diet fad, you’ll find that obesity doubled in America since it began. You NEED healthy fats, aka fats that are unsaturated (mono and poly), like extra virgin olive oil, nuts, and avocados in your diet to help you manage your mood, mental balance, fight fatigue AND – whoa! – control your weight. Monounsaturated fats improve blood cholesterol levels, which can decrease your risk of heart disease, too!
What makes them healthy is that, among other heart-health benefits, they help reduce LDL cholesterol (the kind that clogs your arteries), and they can benefit insulin and blood sugar levels, decreasing the risk of type 2 diabetes. Our brains are 60% fat, so it’s *vital* to our body’s physical function to have and absorb healthy fats.
The answers aren’t to CUT the fat out – it’s to make the best choices for your body!
Okay - I'm starting this post out with a disclaimer:
That being said, I know I'm going to piss off a lot of people with this post. I opted NOT to have surgery, and that was the best choice for me.
"But Jaycie, you weren't 300-600 lbs - why would you even think of surgery, to begin with?"
Now THAT is a very good question. I know about five people - great friends of mine, and inspirational women - who may not have had the luxury of time or the ability to dedicate the effort to a program. Or those who, unfortunately, struggled and potentially still struggle with disorders of body dysmorphia and clinically are suffering and waging a different battle than anyone could even imagine... I admire you and your abilities to make it day to day with these issues (We all have *some*thing that gets to us).
I get it - losing weight the 'hard way' or by slow, methodical steps, is not only time-consuming and non-conducive to the fast pace we live in, sometimes we have to face that for some is just not possible.
Back in 2012, I worked part-time. 20 hours a week, came home and had the time to meal prep and work out almost twice a day. I was 265 lbs, and I had the advantage of an affordable personal trainer to teach me the things I needed to know. I had help and extra income from my then-boyfriend when this all started, to boot. I had a support system in him at the time, and he allowed me to experiment new dinners and replacements such as zoodles or cauliflower 'mash' instead of the real thing (Well, I kind of took the reins and didn't allow him to say no in hindsight, but it made him healthier too haha).
I don't think I could ever thank my ex (from when I began this journey in 2012) enough for allowing me the freedoms that he did, actually. In a true comparison to the relationship that followed him, I definitely can say that I couldn't have flourished the way I did without the constant affirmation that I was doing a great job. That's what I'm trying to be for you all...
They say when you're actually tired of living a certain lifestyle, there isn't a single thing that can get in your way; not even yourself. I want to say that's true, but if I'd started this journey with anyone else, I probably would've given up not even halfway. It's just as much about support as it is diet and exercise if I'm honest. For some, that means a surgery. That means a liquid recovery diet, bed rest with minor aches and pains, not being able to play with your kids for a span of time for fear of incision infection or other site woes. I don't even know the full list because personally, I haven't done it. For others, like me, that means going to the gym four or five times a week, planing what muscle groups and what meals you're going to eat for the next week and managing grocery lists. Melting it away over time was the option I went for, and it wasn't because that's what I wanted - it's because it was my only option.
I was recently 21, and already 250lbs. I was in my Master's degree program and not exactly sure how it had gotten to that point. I ate whatever I wanted, regardless of how it made me feel physically (ill, laggy, gross, etc) and I didn't exercise but maybe run a half mile a week.
I read up about the surgery and looking back on it now, I'm so glad I didn't do it. I opted OUT of my choice to cut into my own body and recover from a surgery on top of the already added changes I would have to make simply because I didn't like how my body looked. I didn't opt for scars, liquid diets, and modifying my eating habits because I had to - I had the emotional and mental strength to change my mind about the way I view food and the healthy relationship I have with it now...
It's everywhere now though - the easy fix. For those who may not even actually *need* it (as far as health concerns go).
One morning on my way to work, I heard an ad on the radio for gastric bypass surgery. The woman in the ad claimed to only need to lose twenty pounds and professed that the advertised surgery and program was the best and most effective way to do it for her (Heavy eye-roll).
One night while babysitting a few months ago, I scrolled past TLC's my 600 lb life, "Lupe's Story". In between commercial breaks, there was another ad for this pill that is an appetite suppressant and suppresses cravings for go-to foods. The side effects? Suicidal thoughts or actions, depression increased blood pressure, nausea, constipation, migraines and the list goes on. I'm sorry, but I already have depression. I don't need to put myself further into yet another category of struggle, on purpose.
First - It's supposed to be "I want to be *HEALTHY* - but that was what I used to think it meant. Skinny was what I once wanted to be. Until I changed my mentality.
Look. I GET being depressed. I GET feeling like a beached whale. As if no one loves you enough for the person you are inside and like everyone is silently or outwardly judging you when you eat. When you walk in a size-too-small outfit but it's the only one you could find that fit you. When you're trying to exercise but get it in your head that people are looking at you and making fun of you.
I still struggle with that to this day.
I struggle with overeating. I struggle with knowing better and taking the easy way out. I know what it feels like to utterly loathe yourself while eating six jack in the box tacos for $3 or a fried chicken sandwich for $1 - and how easy it is to pull up to the drive-thru window instead of prep vegetables and cook for 30 minutes in the kitchen for something that may or may not hit the spot or curb your craving for French fries. It's absolutely maddening!
The complete opposites that go through my mindset on a given day is nuts. I look at my body and get sad, then when I get sad, I think "what's the point?"
You get it. My point - THE point - is NOTHING WORTH HAVING COMES EASY. Even surgery.
Yeah, that's right. I said it. I've been saying it since the beginning on here though (How to Be Enough, Shedding the Mental Fat Suit).. there is NO MAGIC PILL. There is no easy fix to being overweight.
To those friends of mine who have had surgery, or are going to be on the table in the future: With every genuine fiber of my being, I really hope you know that it's not about what your body looks like. It's how you FEEL - it's how you love yourself, by NOURISHING yourself with both compassion and food, alike.
Surgery, to me, would only temporarily fix my issue. If I was still in the same detrimental mindset, AND didn't do the hard work to EARN it in both the kitchen and the gym, I would never have appreciated it in the end - and I definitely wouldn't have kept it up.
You won't change your habits by simply cutting or inflating parts of your stomach. It's just not going to stay or stick.
You have to get help for addiction or therapy for why you eat your feelings (that's my issue). Food is so very clearly an addictive substance. Cutting corners like that is not going to get you anywhere.
I know people who will probably get mad or misunderstand me. What I am NOT saying is "surgery won't help you". It does work, but only if you DO IT RIGHT.
Please read what this young woman had to say about her surgery and why she regretted it.
It's a beautiful homage to ALL struggles. Surgery or not.
I'm back! I'm sorry! I keep doing this to you guys... This time, it was a long hiatus than before, but if you only knew...
Between moving last September, and my job duties increasing shortly after, I was swamped. I moved, I got settled; I had more responsibility, then got used to it; I got into a new relationship... and then that got complicated. To top it all off, my job changed again, two weeks ago to the date! It's been STRESSFUL! Which, conveniently brings me to my first post since November...
We all know it – we feel it when it creeps up on us and then balloons into this giant mushroom cloud out of our heads…but is that the only way we feel it? Hell No!
Sometimes, when I’m stressed, I eat! Okay okay, not sometimes, MOST times. I don’t exercise and sink into the stress and eat more than my normal portion size, or I tend to eat crap and succumb to cravings. Isn’t that how everyone deals with their situations? I mean, why would anyone want to do anything else? That’s why it’s called “comfort food”.
When you’re stressed AF, it makes sense that eating well and working out regularly aren’t high on your to-do list and of COURSE you would think that alone would make you more likely to gain weight. NOPE
If you’re a freak (and I say that in the most loving nature because I’m similar to this too) and you love to exercise your stress out of your body, I’d say go for it – BUT stress alone can make the number we all despise from that black square on the bathroom tile read higher and higher.
Yep - You heard me!
If you thought you were done thinking about hormones when we graduated high school, you’re wrong. Let me tell you about a snappy little chemical in the brain called cortisol. They don’t call it the “Stress Hormone” for nothing. This little bugger rises when you’re feeling any type of pressure or tension, and turns portion control into an afterthought. It increases insulin levels as a result, and your blood sugar drops and you CRAVE sugar and fat to make up the difference.
Your body is trying to ward off an unseen threat during long periods of time where you have chronic stress – the kinds where you’ve gone through a break up or the kind when you get laid off from your job… not just one bad day at work. This increases visceral fat, deep in our midsections, and it’s tough to get rid of it later.
So, how DO you stop stress from stopping your goals?
Honestly, all of the above is just how I deal with stress and what helps me... But If you need to treat yourself in other ways, make sure to do it positively - Eating a grip of cheese wont help you in the long run.
I have to say, I have a real LOVE/HATE relationship with the app called TimeHop. It's been a constant reminder of bittersweet memories... and this week I was reminded of why support means so much.
I’ve been struggling with a lot more than just my weight or my motivation in the gym for the last two years, and this last one (like you read last week) was a DOOZIE.
If I can’t write it out here, what is the purpose of this blog? What is the purpose of having this forum of expression and ability to share things with people who might be feeling lost/scared or any of the similar emotions I am?
Blue is not (traditionally) my color. It wasn't last year and it's not supposed to be this year, but here we are. There have been so many factors that have led to my decreasing motivation for the gym and eating properly, and this has cast a light on how important a positive support system is. Not only do they remind you who you are when you’ve forgotten, they most DEFINITELY remind you of why moving forward can be daunting, but with one step at a time, it’s possible. I've lost so many people this year, those who I thought were genuine friends, but turned out to be wolves that ended up turning on me at the last second... including the one I held most dear. That does something to a person.
That's what this whole thing is about - working on yourself, making yourself the best version to move with positivity and growth in this life. Oh man, how after-school special do I sound right now?
I think the single most influential aspect of health and fitness is having people that are for you just as much as you are for them. If you don't have people that cheer you on, you might lose the will or the fighting drive after some time. Lord knows I had a few moments where I wondered why I was even here - I considered ending it. But then that means other people win. NOTHING is worth that. I have no shame and way too much pride for that.
I have been dabbling in this blogging world for just shy of two years now, and I've learned a few things. I've been networking and trying to promote this little project of mine, and have gained a couple special connections with fellow bloggers. I was interviewed by Evoke STRONG last week on her facebook live feed, and I've begun developing a meal plan to offer to you lovelies! I'll be rolling that out shortly...
But another check mark is that I'll be working again with a personal trainer to keep me accountable. He's young and spry, and when I first met him, I asked: "Can you kick my ass?". He assured me that indeed he could, as well as loved the fact that I wasn't shy with heavy lifting. It's a good deal his responsibility that I've been getting back into the swing of things. It's made me re-evaluate why I've slowed, as well as helped me earn another chip of self-respect.
Doctors and fitness minded individuals alike state that teammates or coaches, or simply friends who say 'good job!' are pivotal to the success of your journey. I know, I know - everyone calls this a journey (I've seen that word so many times, I think it's starting to look misspelled)! But it's true! I read a quote from an article that reminded me of a time when I was my most motivated self, and it was all the power of having a gym buddy!
“In my 10 years of experience evaluating what creates long-term health-and-fitness success, the single most important factor is having a support system,” says Wayne Andersen, MD. Exercise partners provide a powerful combination of support, accountability, motivation and, in some cases, healthy competition. “They can play the role of teammate, co-coach, and cheerleader — all while working out,” says Michelle P. Maidenberg, Ph.D." - Strength in Numbers: The Importance of Fitness Buddies
Exercise habits of people you know have a positive influence on your exercise habits. IF they have the same habits or similar goals to your own. If your accountabili-buddy is at a radically different level of health, fitness or ability, you could be held back, pushed too hard or - worst case - injured. “Having a reliable workout buddy increases your chances of sticking with your program,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D. Pushing yourself beyond your perceived mental ability is tough if you're alone in the gym, and it's also difficult to increase your weight without a spotter to keep you progressing.
Kara Thom, co-author of Hot (Sweaty) Mamas: Five Secrets to Life as a Fit Mom, says that “during a workout, more than our pores open up. We find ourselves connecting with our workout buddies more intimately than we might if we were just meeting over coffee. Workout partners not only get us through a challenging workout but can help us through life challenges as well.”
The more people you have actively engaged in supporting your fitness efforts, the more likely you all are to enjoy the process as well as the results.
No-friggin-wonder I've been lagging lately (aside from poor choices in diet slowing me down)! I have been recuperating and mending all of my pieces together and have had a serious bat with who I am, discovering what I'm willing and not willing to tolerate in all of my interpersonal relationships, and that takes a toll on your motivation.