I've Found My Chandler

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always said that I want “my Chandler”, and that he’s been “too busy with Janice”. I’ve had a couple experiences that, as my mom would say, “were close, but no cigar”.

They were definitely nothing compared to how I feel now. Man, the lengths I would go (and have gone) to support and love this guy right here.

When you talk about your past relationships, and compare, you can either be bitter and bad mouth that previous person...
-or-
you can move forward & view it with an educated eye;

Understand that there are plenty of people on this planet who bring out the worst version of yourself. You just weren’t ready to be the BEST version of Y O U yet. Or they weren’t.

You didn’t have it in you to sacrifice or compromise in a way that meshes well with that individual. Or they didn’t. And that’s okay! #thatslife!!

Previously in relationships, I would be yelled at SO loudly, and so close to my face, that I could wipe their spit away. This guy? He sits with me during disagreements, tries his best to communicate his feelings rationally and to the best of his ability.

I’ve been absolutely humiliated in front of ex’s friends, family and in public venues before. This guy? He worries about MY feelings and can tell I’m uncomfortable, ultimately asking me “What’s wrong babe? And don’t say ‘nothing’. ”

I’ve been told before that I’m “too much to handle” and that I’m “overly sensitive”, which would make ANYone feel like they're a difficult person to love. THIS guy LOVES how empathetic I am - He knows my heart and understands why I am the way that I am, accepts it and actually *celebrates* it.

I’ve had to beg and plead for previous boyfriends to help me bring in groceries or to help me with chores around the house. This guy - MY FIANCÉ - not only goes with me, he actually TAKES things out of my hands and does it for me. And not even just the heavy stuff!

I’ve had eye-rolls when I’ve reached for an ex’s hand while walking. My guy? He’s usually the first to reach for my hand, AND if I’m not already, he positions me so that he walks on the street-side of the sidewalk.

I’ve been laughed at for being embarrassed about my extra skin from losing weight in a bikini. Chris calls me “gorgeous” and “stunning”, even when he’s mad at me.

I’ve made dinners from scratch & ate them alone while my ex ordered and ate pizza delivery while playing video games and ignoring me for hours on end. My fiancé waits for me to eat, asks me if I want anything while he’s out and sometimes just brings me what he thinks I’ll want (and he’s dead-on every time).

When I sit down and think of all the above, I can genuinely say I am appreciative of the man I get to call my fiancé, and one day soon, my husband. You cannot force someone to be ready when they’re not. I’m so glad he chose to be ready for me, just at the right time that I could be ready for him.

If there’s effort, there’s love, and I know without a shadow of a doubt I am loved by this guy. I hope he knows how much I love him & just how happy he makes me.

Getting Back to Basics

Fitting that this should pop up around now. The left photo was me six years ago. Then, when I started watching the crap I put into my body, I slimmed down quite a bit in under 13 months.

You all know how and why if you follow me here at The Soaring Swine, but getting back into the swing of things has been tough... especially with all the crap I've been through lately. I’ve struggled quite openly, and I know I haven’t been making the best choices for myself. I’ve gone through the depression tunnel of my trauma, and I’m beginning to see the end of it. The reason for this post is to finally put that to rest and re-focus on what I want. To put it down here, to shout it to the universe and make it happen again.

I just haven't felt motivated or up to it being both emotionally and physically exhausted. So, I'm excited to say I've hopped on board the It Works! train... looking forward to having more energy and feeling happier and healthier, and back to myself again.

This was the result from 2012 to October 2015 - fit and toned

Managing this weight loss wasn’t easy - like I’ve said over the course of the last few years, it takes dedication, routine, and a whole lot of determination to get to the goals you want. I used so many different products and methods to get to the above photo on the right. I went through Herbalife Rebuild Strength shakes, the local health-quake shop in Ventura and drank both aloe and collagen. This coupled with eating properly and exercising is the way I was able to get to my goals and I’m excited to say I’ve started re-framing my journey and honing what it is I truly want that will make me happy. The happiest I’ve ever been was when I was working towards a better version of myself.

In order to get to this level of health and fitness, I used the Berry greens religiously. I also used the Fat Fighters when I could afford to buy them both at once. Find them and other helpful products on my page HERE.

I just want to be healthy again, and I’m looking forward to making that happen.

There’s a sale going on right now for the
ThermoFIGHT™ - Buy One Get One !

It’s About You

I write for therapy, if you all haven’t discovered this by now.

Growing up, my mother always told me to “have a little mystery”. I remember it vividly because she was always trying to keep me from showing too much of myself to those who would turn around and use it against me, which was her right and duty as a mother to protect her child.

At the time, I didn’t understand why I should hide the parts of myself that made me who I am - which I still don’t - I don’t think the lesson of holding mystery ever truly got through to me, as I clearly have a blog and put myself out there nearly every week with my feelings and thoughts for you all to read. I’ve also grieved and struggled with my trauma very openly lately, and many of you may find it irritating how vocal I am - you might describe it as my “seeking attention”, or a cop out. Shit, these might just be my own projections but I felt like this has to be said, for my own health and healing.

I’ve actually heard others say “she’s being over dramatic…”

“Why is she posting another meme on Facebook?” “How can she fall apart so publicly??” Because I don’t know how to fall apart. Because I’ve never been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder before. Because I’ve never had to recuperate from loving someone with an addiction. I don’t know how to heal from this. I’ve never been abused or been subjected to this kinda of trauma before, and because frankly, I don’t care how many times I have to say or reiterate something to finally feel better. I will heal on MY timeline and however publicly or privately I choose.

How sad is that? When someone goes through a traumatic life event, we immediately categorize them into one of two labels: deserving and understanding of their emotions and validate their experience, OR we devalue what they’re feeling and what they’ve gone through.

They say don’t rush - “don’t jump in too soon” - they say to hold back, have mystery…

Well, it may be stupid or reckless, but I refuse to apologize for loving all in and hard. The fact that I’m capable of doing that means I have a huge heart. Yes, I may give it to the wrong people or those undeserving and it may hurt me, but I wouldn’t be my authentic self.

I’m in roller derby, and injured my arm last week. is that going to keep me from skating? NO

Every person deals with and goes through their own process of healing, and every bit of progress is different for everyone. I’ve been saying this for almost two whole years now, after the narcissistic abuse of my adulterous ex-boyfriend:

“Hard is not relative; Hard is Hard. Who can tell me that explaining [your story] is harder than telling your child you’re getting a divorce?” There is no “hard-er”, there’s just “HARD”

We need to stop ranking each other’s issues and experiences against one another to value or devalue their existence.

It’s called compassion. I’ve spent years focusing on what I can do for others and sacrificing my own happiness to do what is either expected of me to fit within a box or to cater to others and their needs.

This is and will be very much about me.

Healthy Fat Makes the World Go Round

Like I said l this time last year in Your Healthy Fat Survival Guide, “Non–Fat foods are good for me, right? Like, they’ll help me lose weight? WRONG! We actually need fats; can't live without them, in fact.”

They keep our skin soft, deliver fat-soluble vitamins, and are a great source of energizing fuel. It is BEYOND easy to be overwhelmed by all of the dietary knowledge out there right now about what’s good for you and what’s bad – there are so many conflicting messages and fads out there in the world, that I understand your confusion.

Healthy Fats are UNSATURATED fats (or poly and mono saturated fats to be specific), or ones that raise our HDL/good cholesterol and lower LDL levels. These all stars of the fat section of your grocery aisles provide essential fatty acids to our bodies.

This includes:

Avocados
Whole Eggs
Fatty Fish

Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Grass Fed Butter
Chia or Flax Seeds

Nuts
Cheese
Dark Chocolate

I’VE BEEN THERE! I know what you’re going through

What are good fats vs. bad fats? How much fat should I eat? How do I avoid artery-clogging Trans fats? What is an omega-3?

I’ve written about it numerous times – specifically in Your Healthy Fat Survival Guide, The 3 Secrets of Clean Eating that Everyone Misses AND in How to Boost your Metabolism.

*Many* foods low or void of fats are mainly high in sugars, refined carbohydrates, and calories. If you look at the last 35 years and read myths regarding the Low-Fat Diet fad, you’ll find that obesity doubled in America since it began. You NEED healthy fats, aka fats that are unsaturated (mono and poly), like extra virgin olive oil, nuts, and avocados in your diet to help you manage your mood, mental balance, fight fatigue AND – whoa! – control your weight. Monounsaturated fats improve blood cholesterol levels, which can decrease your risk of heart disease, too!

What makes them healthy is that, among other heart-health benefits, they help reduce LDL cholesterol (the kind that clogs your arteries), and they can benefit insulin and blood sugar levels, decreasing the risk of type 2 diabetes. Our brains are 60% fat, so it’s *vital* to our body’s physical function to have and absorb healthy fats.

The answers aren’t to CUT the fat out – it’s to make the best choices for your body!

Why I Chose NOT to have Surgery...

Okay - I'm starting this post out with a disclaimer:

That being said, I know I'm going to piss off a lot of people with this post.  I opted NOT to have surgery, and that was the best choice for me.

"But Jaycie, you weren't 300-600 lbs - why would you even think of surgery, to begin with?"

Now THAT is a very good question. I know about five people - great friends of mine, and inspirational women - who may not have had the luxury of time or the ability to dedicate the effort to a program. Or those who, unfortunately, struggled and potentially still struggle with disorders of body dysmorphia and clinically are suffering and waging a different battle than anyone could even imagine... I admire you and your abilities to make it day to day with these issues (We all have *some*thing that gets to us).

BELIEVE ME

I get it - losing weight the 'hard way' or by slow, methodical steps, is not only time-consuming and non-conducive to the fast pace we live in, sometimes we have to face that for some is just not possible.

Back in 2012, I worked part-time. 20 hours a week, came home and had the time to meal prep and work out almost twice a day. I was 265 lbs, and I had the advantage of an affordable personal trainer to teach me the things I needed to know. I had help and extra income from my then-boyfriend when this all started, to boot. I had a support system in him at the time, and he allowed me to experiment new dinners and replacements such as zoodles or cauliflower 'mash' instead of the real thing (Well, I kind of took the reins and didn't allow him to say no in hindsight, but it made him healthier too haha).

I don't think I could ever thank my ex (from when I began this journey in 2012) enough for allowing me the freedoms that he did, actually. In a true comparison to the relationship that followed him, I definitely can say that I couldn't have flourished the way I did without the constant affirmation that I was doing a great job. That's what I'm trying to be for you all...

They say when you're actually tired of living a certain lifestyle, there isn't a single thing that can get in your way; not even yourself. I want to say that's true, but if I'd started this journey with anyone else, I probably would've given up not even halfway. It's just as much about support as it is diet and exercise if I'm honest. For some, that means a surgery. That means a liquid recovery diet, bed rest with minor aches and pains, not being able to play with your kids for a span of time for fear of incision infection or other site woes. I don't even know the full list because personally, I haven't done it. For others, like me, that means going to the gym four or five times a week, planing what muscle groups and what meals you're going to eat for the next week and managing grocery lists. Melting it away over time was the option I went for, and it wasn't because that's what I wanted - it's because it was my only option.

What not a lot of people know about me is in 2010, I had a consultation for lap band.

I was recently 21, and already 250lbs. I was in my Master's degree program and not exactly sure how it had gotten to that point. I ate whatever I wanted, regardless of how it made me feel physically (ill, laggy, gross, etc) and I didn't exercise but maybe run a half mile a week.

I read up about the surgery and looking back on it now, I'm so glad I didn't do it.  I opted OUT of my choice to cut into my own body and recover from a surgery on top of the already added changes I would have to make simply because I didn't like how my body looked. I didn't opt for scars, liquid diets, and modifying my eating habits because I had to - I had the emotional and mental strength to change my mind about the way I view food and the healthy relationship I have with it now...

It's everywhere now though - the easy fix. For those who may not even actually *need* it (as far as health concerns go).

One morning on my way to work, I heard an ad on the radio for gastric bypass surgery. The woman in the ad claimed to only need to lose twenty pounds and professed that the advertised surgery and program was the best and most effective way to do it for her (Heavy eye-roll).

One night while babysitting a few months ago, I scrolled past TLC's my 600 lb life, "Lupe's Story". In between commercial breaks, there was another ad for this pill that is an appetite suppressant and suppresses cravings for go-to foods. The side effects? Suicidal thoughts or actions, depression increased blood pressure, nausea, constipation, migraines and the list goes on. I'm sorry, but I already have depression. I don't need to put myself further into yet another category of struggle, on purpose.

WHY ON GODS GREEN EARTH WOULD I SUBJECT MYSELF TO THAT just to be skinny?!

First - It's supposed to be "I want to be *HEALTHY* - but that was what I used to think it meant. Skinny was what I once wanted to be. Until I changed my mentality. 

Look. I GET being depressed. I GET feeling like a beached whale. As if no one loves you enough for the person you are inside and like everyone is silently or outwardly judging you when you eat. When you walk in a size-too-small outfit but it's the only one you could find that fit you. When you're trying to exercise but get it in your head that people are looking at you and making fun of you. 

I still struggle with that to this day.

I struggle with overeating. I struggle with knowing better and taking the easy way out. I know what it feels like to utterly loathe yourself while eating six jack in the box tacos for $3 or a fried chicken sandwich for $1 - and how easy it is to pull up to the drive-thru window instead of prep vegetables and cook for 30 minutes in the kitchen for something that may or may not hit the spot or curb your craving for French fries. It's absolutely maddening!

The complete opposites that go through my mindset on a given day is nuts. I look at my body and get sad, then when I get sad, I think "what's the point?"

You get it.  My point - THE point - is NOTHING WORTH HAVING COMES EASY. Even surgery.

Yeah, that's right. I said it. I've been saying it since the beginning on here though (How to Be Enough, Shedding the Mental Fat Suit).. there is NO MAGIC PILL. There is no easy fix to being overweight.

To those friends of mine who have had surgery, or are going to be on the table in the future: With every genuine fiber of my being, I really hope you know that it's not about what your body looks like. It's how you FEEL - it's how you love yourself, by NOURISHING yourself with both compassion and food, alike.

Surgery, to me, would only temporarily fix my issue. If I was still in the same detrimental mindset, AND didn't do the hard work to EARN it in both the kitchen and the gym, I would never have appreciated it in the end - and I definitely wouldn't have kept it up.

You won't change your habits by simply cutting or inflating parts of your stomach. It's just not going to stay or stick.

You have to change your mind

You have to get help for addiction or therapy for why you eat your feelings (that's my issue). Food is so very clearly an addictive substance. Cutting corners like that is not going to get you anywhere.

I know people who will probably get mad or misunderstand me. What I am NOT saying is "surgery won't help you". It does work, but only if you DO IT RIGHT.

Please read what this young woman had to say about her surgery and why she regretted it.

“Yet there are still some people who think that now that I’m losing weight again, it’s a sign that my surgery is finally a “success.” Not so. The real success is no longer hating myself. The real success is how happy I am now.”

— Women's Health Mag

It's a beautiful homage to ALL struggles. Surgery or not.

STRESS! … And How it Affects your Weight Loss

I'm back! I'm sorry! I keep doing this to you guys... This time, it was a long hiatus than before, but if you only knew...

Between moving last September, and my job duties increasing shortly after, I was swamped. I moved, I got settled; I had more responsibility, then got used to it; I got into a new relationship... and then that got complicated. To top it all off, my job changed again, two weeks ago to the date! It's been STRESSFUL! Which, conveniently brings me to my first post since November... 

STRESS!

We all know it – we feel it when it creeps up on us and then balloons into this giant mushroom cloud out of our heads…but is that the only way we feel it? Hell No!

Sometimes, when I’m stressed, I eat! Okay okay, not sometimes, MOST times. I don’t exercise and sink into the stress and eat more than my normal portion size, or I tend to eat crap and succumb to cravings. Isn’t that how everyone deals with their situations? I mean, why would anyone want to do anything else? That’s why it’s called “comfort food”.

When you’re stressed AF, it makes sense that eating well and working out regularly aren’t high on your to-do list and of COURSE you would think that alone would make you more likely to gain weight. NOPE

If you’re a freak (and I say that in the most loving nature because I’m similar to this too) and you love to exercise your stress out of your body, I’d say go for it – BUT stress alone can make the number we all despise from that black square on the bathroom tile read higher and higher.

Wait, what? Stress makes you fat??

Yep - You heard me!

If you thought you were done thinking about hormones when we graduated high school, you’re wrong. Let me tell you about a snappy little chemical in the brain called cortisol. They don’t call it the “Stress Hormone” for nothing. This little bugger rises when you’re feeling any type of pressure or tension, and turns portion control into an afterthought. It increases insulin levels as a result, and your blood sugar drops and you CRAVE sugar and fat to make up the difference.

Your body is trying to ward off an unseen threat during long periods of time where you have chronic stress – the kinds where you’ve gone through a break up or the kind when you get laid off from your job… not just one bad day at work. This increases visceral fat, deep in our midsections, and it’s tough to get rid of it later.

So, how DO you stop stress from stopping your goals?

1. Eat mindfully
   Combat your urges to binge (I know, I know – I get how hard it is). I see you, and I know what you want. I want cheesecake… or Pho, or sourdough bread. BUT is that going to derail me? YES. Is that going to make me feel more tired later? The cycle perpetuates, here, piggies! Eating mindfully helps you stay on course and removes the increase in *later* stressors, like not being able to put on that dress you used to feel slim in (believe me; it happened to me three weeks ago)!
2. Distract Yourself
   Create a routine where you won’t be within temptation’s reach for that pot of macaroni and cheese (enter favorite comfort food here if other) and maybe go for a walk every day after work or on your lunch break.
3. Meditate
   Honestly, I wasn’t a fan of this before, but I SWEAR between yoga and therapy, I really got used to mindfully breathing. Taking a minute to stop, inhale slowly for fifteen seconds, hold it, and exhale for fifteen seconds REALLY helps. My apple watch reminds me to take a moment and breathe every few hours. I was in a therapy session once trying to explain how difficult this was for me at the time. I was so preoccupied with the tasks flying across my desk in the Athletics department that I didn’t have the luxury to stop for a few minutes and breathe directed by my apple watch. I told her “I don’t have time to breathe!”, but she stopped me right after my exclamation, and repeated it back to me – “You don’t have time to breathe?” I felt silly but it’s true – you need to make time for the things that give you a moment of relaxation. You have to.
4. Make time for your hobbies
   I know I tend to lose myself in the mundane. Make sure that you're taking the time to garden if that's something you enjoy. Make sure that you carve out time to get a mile run in here and there (or any distance you prefer). I stopped running for a while, and let me tell you - that made me crabby and feel like i was walking around the office with a forever tense hold in my shoulders... Do the things YOU enjoy in order to remove the vice grip you've put on your body.

Honestly, all of the above is just how I deal with stress and what helps me... But If you need to treat yourself in other ways, make sure to do it positively - Eating a grip of cheese wont help you in the long run.

Make healthy choices and the rest will fall into place...

Why Having a Positive Support System MATTERS

I have to say, I have a real LOVE/HATE relationship with the app called TimeHop. It's been a constant reminder of bittersweet memories... and this week I was reminded of why support means so much.

I’ve been struggling with a lot more than just my weight or my motivation in the gym for the last two years, and this last one (like you read last week) was a DOOZIE.

If I can’t write it out here, what is the purpose of this blog? What is the purpose of having this forum of expression and ability to share things with people who might be feeling lost/scared or any of the similar emotions I am?

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

Blue is not (traditionally) my color. It wasn't last year and it's not supposed to be this year, but here we are. There have been so many factors that have led to my decreasing motivation for the gym and eating properly, and this has cast a light on how important a positive support system is. Not only do they remind you who you are when you’ve forgotten, they most DEFINITELY remind you of why moving forward can be daunting, but with one step at a time, it’s possible. I've lost so many people this year, those who I thought were genuine friends, but turned out to be wolves that ended up turning on me at the last second... including the one I held most dear. That does something to a person.

“I just need to work on myself right now.”

That's what this whole thing is about - working on yourself, making yourself the best version to move with positivity and growth in this life. Oh man, how after-school special do I sound right now?

I think the single most influential aspect of health and fitness is having people that are for you just as much as you are for them. If you don't have people that cheer you on, you might lose the will or the fighting drive after some time. Lord knows I had a few moments where I wondered why I was even here - I considered ending it. But then that means other people win. NOTHING is worth that. I have no shame and way too much pride for that.

I call it having an "accountabili-buddy"

I have been dabbling in this blogging world for just shy of two years now, and I've learned a few things. I've been networking and trying to promote this little project of mine, and have gained a couple special connections with fellow bloggers. I was interviewed by Evoke STRONG last week on her facebook live feed, and I've begun developing a meal plan to offer to you lovelies! I'll be rolling that out shortly...

"I need someone who challenges me"

But another check mark is that I'll be working again with a personal trainer to keep me accountable. He's young and spry, and when I first met him, I asked: "Can you kick my ass?". He assured me that indeed he could, as well as loved the fact that I wasn't shy with heavy lifting. It's a good deal his responsibility that I've been getting back into the swing of things. It's made me re-evaluate why I've slowed, as well as helped me earn another chip of self-respect.

I miss my gym-buddy! 

Doctors and fitness minded individuals alike state that teammates or coaches, or simply friends who say 'good job!' are pivotal to the success of your journey. I know, I know - everyone calls this a journey (I've seen that word so many times, I think it's starting to look misspelled)! But it's true! I read a quote from an article that reminded me of a time when I was my most motivated self, and it was all the power of having a gym buddy!

“In my 10 years of experience evaluating what creates long-term health-and-fitness success, the single most important factor is having a support system,” says Wayne Andersen, MD. Exercise partners provide a powerful combination of support, accountability, motivation and, in some cases, healthy competition. “They can play the role of teammate, co-coach, and cheerleader — all while working out,” says Michelle P. Maidenberg, Ph.D." - Strength in Numbers: The Importance of Fitness Buddies

So wait - WHY DOES IT WORK?

Habit Reliability 

Exercise habits of people you know have a positive influence on your exercise habits. IF they have the same habits or similar goals to your own. If your accountabili-buddy is at a radically different level of health, fitness or ability, you could be held back, pushed too hard or - worst case - injured. “Having a reliable workout buddy increases your chances of sticking with your program,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D. Pushing yourself beyond your perceived mental ability is tough if you're alone in the gym, and it's also difficult to increase your weight without a spotter to keep you progressing.

Emotional benefits

Kara Thom, co-author of Hot (Sweaty) Mamas: Five Secrets to Life as a Fit Mom, says that “during a workout, more than our pores open up. We find ourselves connecting with our workout buddies more intimately than we might if we were just meeting over coffee. Workout partners not only get us through a challenging workout but can help us through life challenges as well.”

So...

The more people you have actively engaged in supporting your fitness efforts, the more likely you all are to enjoy the process as well as the results. 

No-friggin-wonder I've been lagging lately (aside from poor choices in diet slowing me down)! I have been recuperating and mending all of my pieces together and have had a serious bat with who I am, discovering what I'm willing and not willing to tolerate in all of my interpersonal relationships, and that takes a toll on your motivation. 

I seem to be back in the habit of things, and that's what is most important.

You Shouldn't Have to Shatter

I know this isn't primarily about fitness, but this is soothing my mental health to write about, so thank you for your support while I get my shit together. I appreciate it. It's all for growth, both to become the physically and emotionally healthy woman I want to be. It's risky content, but like Taylor Swift says, they're burning witches even if you aren't one - so light me up.

The whole "blessing in disguise" thing is bullshit. I still attest to that, nearly ten months after all this. 

What wasn't a blessing, you ask?

• Asking him why he'd slept on the couch that night.
• His sheer annoyance of the question and insistence not to talk about it.
• Him screaming in my ear, shoving me aside, and speeding off while I cowered away, afraid. 
• Telling him as he left: 'go cool off' at his dad’s that night, and to “not come home”.
• Not knowing that when I left for work, that would be it between us - over; done. 
• Coming home to an empty apartment, subsequently single walking through the door.
• Finding out that everyone he worked with knew I was single before I even did.

This one nearly killed me

I don't think it's right to completely shatter in order to move forward. To finally experience positive life changes. I've been feeling everything. Every little misstep or uncertainty in my personal life for the last three years - I'm a sensitive woman, but this has been ridiculous. The truth is, I can't even be mad at him anymore. This is now on me.

I finally have realized why I'm not 100% okay yet. Every time an acquaintance tilts their head to the side and asks "how have you been? are you okay?" I almost feel reluctantly forced to say "I'm fine" or "Yeah I'm good." That's what everyone says, right? "Fake it ‘til you make it" - thinking that if you act like you're happy, you save a little dignity or pride. That if I pretend enough, I may eventually get there. I figured the last ten months would be healing enough over the break-up and my co-worker reminded me of one important thing - "You ARE over him, Jaycie." She basically said that I'm just not over the experience.

What I realized today after she said that is that what I'm dealing with is the post-traumatic stress of it all. I don't miss him anymore because I've finally detoxed off of him - the high and happy I'd been idealizing and romanticizing was because he was confident and unyielding in his decisions; he had power, and power over me, but that was what eventually led me to feel like there was zero in my control. Underneath all of that bravado lies a selfish person with no regard for those individuals he uses to get what he wants - and only in the moment. I know we brought out the worst of each other. Rationally, I know that's not a good situation for anyone. But emotionally...

I'm an emotional war survivor. With PTSD to boot, and the residual mutual friendships that remind me of what I've been through are my triggers. The reminder that I was once a person I didn't recognize... That he brought out the most insecure version of me. That I lacked any and all self-worth to tolerate being lied to, tricked and manipulated. The fact that I was once a person I didn't respect for accepting that kind of treatment and calling it love is what makes me sick to my stomach. 

"Oh, but he loves me" - the all too familiar sound of an abused woman claiming her abuser loves her is what I would say in my head over and over. "Don't make him mad - you know how he gets, this will just upset him. Leave it alone." When something pushed him over the edge and we'd make up after a fight, I'd tell myself he still cared and that's why he sticks around: He loves me.

Wait, did he ever even tell you that he loved you?

Yeah, that's gonna be a big fat NO. He eluded to it a couple of times... called me his best friend once. But no, never once did he say that phrase in two years, so who the hell knows if he actually loved me or if he simply found me convenient and made me work for breadcrumbs.

For those that don't know, "bread-crumbing" is the deceptive practice of giving someone just enough to keep them interested, even when you're not. Bread-crumbing keeps someone around to your liking, and is designed for dishonesty.

Basically, I'm not sure if it was real since I was convenient to keep around - to either feed him and do the "wifey shit" or feed his ego. Not with the way he talks about me now, I'm sure. I've heard so many nasty things that just point the finger away from him. All I wanted was his time and love and I received neglect, judgement and resentment.

How powerless I felt in the last two years... That's officially over. All of these reminders and flashbacks show me how unhappy I actually was, with a naive endless hope that we could be better - I'll never be THAT girl again. The healing can only begin when I truly see what our relationship actually WAS: a terrible Empath/Narcissistic relationship paradigm that has *thankfully* now ended and has subsequently shifted my self-worth and self-esteem.

A blessing in disguise? I'd fought so long for that to not be true... but it turns out, the fact that we're no longer together IS indeed a blessing. 

I'd been discussing it with my girlfriends and nothing quite like today's conversation had truly hit me or made me realize why I was still hurting - because I still blame myself.

I allowed him to hold this power over me, one that stunted my growth and my confidence in my own convictions. I had found myself compromising basic relationship necessities simply because he didn't 'like' them or didn't agree with me on them. He never wavered, rarely compromised and made me feel guilty for feeling my feelings and needing my needs; I'm not mad at him anymore for all of that. He is the person he is. I loved him with all of my heart and tried desperately to accept him as he was, ignoring a lot of my own gut reactions in an attempt to do so.

I'm hurt and feel deceived, naturally... but I'm mostly mad at myself for staying as long as I did. With every red flag waving, practically blaring a train horn in my ear, and I somehow was deaf to it. We'd been doomed from about six months into it, and I should have ended it prior to living with him, that summer when I first found out he was talking to someone else, and eventually multiple people.

Friends seem to think that my constantly pushing the conversations that made him uncomfortable were my subconscious cries and prodding for him to eventually get fed up and leave the way he did, since I clearly couldn’t bring myself to do it. I somewhat see that, but who knows why I became brave enough that morning and enunciate through the rolled up glass of his driver side window “don’t come home”, so he could 'hear' me… Maybe I, too, had enough of it - the lying, the lack of boundaries (that we both pushed), our unhappiness.

I’m ready to be this girl again ->

The woman I fought so hard to be - the best version of myself and oh so healthy.

It's times like these that remind me what it is to struggle. Yeah, we all have those mundane day-to-day issues, but this was probably the worst hurdle I've emotionally ever had to face - AND I've BEEN FAT and BULLIED. I'm living proof that being scared and having a sincere "Oh shit" moment - the fear of the unknown - but that it's going to be okay. You will, just like muscle builds, gain the strength you need to press forward. I am hell bent to get back to this person I was before the two-year trauma. I’m almost there.

It's not that it gets easier... you just get STRONGER.

Be Your Own Anchor

So I just wrote this terribly lengthy post, and the blogging gods I guess didn't want me to tell you what it was I had to say. Well, lucky for you and terribly unlucky for them - I'm a bit of a broken record and don't mind (albeit tedious) repeating myself for my Piggie Posse.

I was describing how this past weekend, the music world was abuzz with Taylor Swift's new album reputation and how it grew on me over the course of the last three days. I wasn't as initially obsessed as I was with her 1989 album, but waking up and working out to it this morning, I felt compelled to write about it and a reoccurring theme in my life.

Who here feels inadequate?
*raises hand*

It's that time of age, ladies and gents, when the purpose of a woman becomes centrally focused on her internal biological clock - Am I married, you ask? (no) Will I have babies soon? (also, no). Am I even the tiniest bit close? (clear, audible laughter)...

I was speaking with a girlfriend of mine over the weekend about how we both don't feel okay right now, and in reminding her of how amazing she is, I somehow reminded myself of my own awesomeness. But sometimes, that's not what you want to hear - you want to vent and feel like it's NOT okay right now, and even that in itself is OKAY.

You don't have to have your shit together to truly have your shit together.

Let me explain.

I was listening to Taylor's Call it What You Want, and in it, she sings of people calling her names and being betrayed by those she thought she could trust (we've all been there). She goes on to say how grateful she is to have someone to help put her back together and how wonderful her new beau is.

Unlike TSwizzle, the majority of us face this exact same shit - but by ourselves. We see and hear these stories about having someone to rely on, and then we feel guilt and shame because we're alone. We compare our lives to another's and feel like we *should* be somewhere that we haven't been meant to reach yet. Just because the lyrical genius found her muse, doesn't mean you won't! It sucks right now if you're doing it on your own, but you don't need an anchor!

YOU are your own anchor, piggies!

I think Emery Allen said it best: "You don't need another human being to make your life complete, but let's be honest: having your wounds kissed by someone who doesn't see them as disasters in your soul, but cracks to put their love into, is the most calming thing In this world...”  SO BE THAT FOR YOURSELF if you don't have someone to do that for you right now. You'll find it. You'll feel it.

It's the same with weight.

You have to remember that each and every single person's journey isn't going to be the same. Your starting weight is/was different than mine, just like your body is differently shaped, you have different levels of certain hormones and have a varying array of other factors - we're not going to all be at the same place emotionally just like we are not going to be at the same place physically. You have to step in and be that and DO THIS for you. Just like I said in Musings of a Single Professional AND in You've Gotta Do This for You. It's about the effort you put forward every day. If you're making steps forward, if you're being mindful about your plate or meal prepping, your gym routine, ANY of it - you're lapping those on the couch who are eating without thinking.

BE YOUR OWN ANCHOR! You'll be stronger for it, and you'll feel TEN TIMES the accomplishment when you reach your mini milestones along the way.

Let's Soar, shall we?

Public Service Affirmation: Self-Validation

Sometimes, the battle is within... Not necessarily outward, or based on appearance. I was talking with my work "person" (see grey's anatomy reference My Person)... and she said seem more like myself lately. I lamented that I was crying over my happiness at seeing a band I've loved for 15+ years, or that a friend of mine left my apartment and that: 

I want to go back on my anti-depressants

"Why?" 
"Well, because I shouldn't cry in those moments..." I said. "Why does that stuff affect me so much?"
"What do you mean 'should'? You felt things in those moments. You didn't want to say goodbye and didn't want the fun to end - you enjoyed yourself at the concert and didn't you feel good afterward?"
"Well, yeah..."
"Who cares?"
"People look at me funny when I cry. They call me "crybaby" or "overemotional" when I do..."
"So...? This is you - your true authentic self."

That conversation made me think - the people who truly love me? They know me. They don't mind if I cry. They see it in me, comfort me and build me up. I was happy, and emoting properly with an abundance of HAPPY emotions. Why should I go on an anti depressant for emoting "happy"?

The people who have said those hurtful things, that made me second guess myself constantly and how I *appropriately* react to things by either rolling their eyes or suggesting I'm over emotional in a negative context have all LEFT ME when I needed them. Emotional Abandonment is what I have called it previously. They don't care about me, genuinely...

SO WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

I read an article today - You Are Not Too Fucking Sensitive - and it was BEAUTIFUL. In it, the author goes on about how much it stings to get called "Too Sensitive" and provides situations where you might be called that... I loved this quote:

"You’re not too (fucking) sensitive. You’re engaged. Connected. Human. Awake. Alive.
The people accusing you of being too (fucking) sensitive? They’re disconnected."

I sometimes have to re-teach myself things I've learned once or even twice before since it becomes so regularly accepted for me to second guess my nature. Well, I've been re-learning this my entire life. Just with new people I've given chances to and opened up to. I like to think this particular lesson isn't me being naive and carefree with my personal stories or details, but that I'm not allowing cold and shallow true natures of the characters in my story to make my soft nature hardened. That I'm still open and true to myself in that aspect.

I've been told time and time again that I'm wrong. Recently, I was in a relationship where I was constantly emotionally 'abused' (I use that term lightly, even now) by being constantly being invalidated. By both the guy I was with and his friends. I'm "too this, too that". You know what? You're right.

Wait... What?

Yeah! You're totally right - I'm too much for you! That's okay.

Please, if you are offended or annoyed by who I am, by all means, GO ! I don't need to waste time on people who don't want to accept me for all that I offer. That includes the waterworks over a cute puppy. That includes crying because I am overwhelmed by emotion and happy/sad/angry/frustrated.

My boss said it best - "Do I wish you didn't take things so personally? Of course. Are you good at your job and do you get the work done efficiently? Always." He said that's just dealing with people. Everyone is different and handles situations the best they know how.

Look it's the same thing I said in "Why “You’re Too Sensitive” Is A Cop Out": 

I'm PROUD of being "too sensitive"; it means I'm kind and cautious with other people's feelings and don't want to be hurtful on purpose.

It means that I have a passion for ALL things I invest my time into and do things with 100% authenticity. I'm transparent - I'm open and honest in my reactions to things with ZERO poker face - and I find that a great couple of qualities

To quote the band I cried at the show over:

"Don't write yourself off yet...
You feel looked down on
Try your best
Don't worry what they tell themselves
when you're away
They're all the same
You're doing better on your own
Just be yourself
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
for someone else"

If I'm too much for you, that's okay. I'm enough for me.