I’ve mulled over the news of finding out you two were together and attempted to warn you several ways… Facebook messenger, through mutual friends, even my friends/school staff & faculty since I work at the school you attend (I find that a little coincidental). You responded less than favorably… and I understand your apprehension to my compassion. You don’t want to believe it, just like I didn’t and I can’t blame you for that.
If you’re reading this, you’re most likely thinking I’m “crazy”, “obsessed” or “jealous”. No, sweetheart… I am very much sane and definitely NOT jealous or envious of you and the position you’re in now. I was there not too long ago, and only “lost” someone who tried their hardest to hide the truth from me. Just like he is doing to you now.
I am not thinking wishful thoughts of how to get him back into my life - just the opposite actually. I am fighting desperately to no longer feel the very real emotions I had been manipulated by a con-artist into feeling: his false love-bombing and emotional abuse.
It’s possible to miss someone who has abused you because love-bombing is abuse too. Love-bombing is a form of cult indoctrination, like brainwashing, and in this case it’s done under false pretenses. It’s just as much a part of the abuse that has been inflicted as any of the more obvious forms. This is difficult, yet critical, to accept.
Further, the fact that we have a hard time accepting this fact that missing them is part of the abuse is itself also part of the abuse because it makes us vulnerable to being further abused.
Understanding and accepting that all of the stages of our relationship with the narcissist were abusive is crucial, because until we do, we can stay stuck in a hoovering phase, or even if we have gone no-contact, we can feel lost, disempowered, and without hope by what happened for years.
I am not “vengeful” for getting a restraining order against him after a barrage of communication attempts and verbal abuse when I cemented boundary lines and he repetitively crossed them. I never “played with his heart” the way he or his mother or aunt claim - he played with mine. He made me believe he only wanted me, and that I was the love of his life; his soulmate, the only woman he “ever wanted to marry”… which he in fact said to all of us. I bet he’s already told you he loves you… no, I’m sorry - “madly in love” with you, right? You - “short stack” & “big booty Judy”... right? He called me that. He called all the others that… He’s quite unoriginal to say the least.
You said something to me in your message about being “happy in your relationship” and to “move on” because it’s “not healthy”. I was happy in the beginning too, sweetheart. Until his true nature began shining through - until he stole from me, blatantly lied to my face and began abusing me when I didn’t want to be with a heroin addict and a liar; when I could no longer trust he was who he said he was. Feel free to read for yourself…
What I DO wish, though, is for you to see through his nonsense and to be smarter and braver than I. I wish for you the strength I had in the end - what I should have had at the first sign - to no longer allow him to blind you with his charm and tales of false sobriety and self-victimization of his own behaviors in the past. I hope he never brings heroin into your apartment or never lets your daughter see the nasty side of him the way he has his own children.
I wish to save you from the pain I endured from allowing him to envelop my life and derail my personal growth. I am not the first woman he has done this exact pattern to, and my dear, I would bet my life that I won’t be his last. My only wish was that you would have listened to me so that you weren’t the next on his long list of victims, of which include his own sister.
Your boyfriend is an abuser and an addict.
Addicts abuse themselves and abuse others in their wake. They use people for their own gain, think of only themselves and how they are affected. They cannot love others, for they do not love themselves.
See, his exes and I all know he cries a good story of woe and pain. We each understood and believed we could love him into being someone he would never be: Clean and sober, loving and caring.
He`s handsome, charming and has a personality that will melt you like sugar. He will cry, crocodile tears, and you will feel empathy to his pain. Eventually, though, you will feel pain and cry because of him. Because he doesn’t have the capability to show you love and support outside of himself. He will tell you he does, but his actions will speak louder than words.
What you won`t see until it`s too late is the anger he carries inside because of his childhood trauma and how you will pay for it as we all have. This is why he`s an addict now.
His own children pay for it, also. They carry the scars of having a father who is an addict, and completely void of any responsibility to them. Fortunately, he chose wonderfully selfless and nurturing women to make mothers, and they both try very hard to teach them good values.
The beautiful part is that someone is doing it right - It is NOT him due the credit.
You are likely still trying to do everything possible to make him happy and make up for all the hardships this man has endured and love him as you are capable of doing. He is not.
You believe his lies that WE were the abusers, his manipulation of who I am and his other exes as well.
“the women that used him and were too lazy to work"
“the ones who never appreciated him”
“the ones that didn't do anything for him”
“the guilty ones” - that he is the victim, not us
I bet your friends are beginning to see it. That you’re buying things for him that he cannot afford, or if you do, he promises to pay you back… that you’re driving he and his mother to and from places because of the bus schedule. That secretly, you feel shame when you bring him around people you know, because he wont shower or clean up to get introduced to them. Or you’re buying him new and nicer clothing and shoes without holes, like I did. I wonder if he told you that his apartment burned down in the Thomas fire last year, or if he said his brother “borrowed” his truly nonexistent car… or that he worked in construction. Those were the lies he told me to evoke sympathy and bank on my good heart to provide things for him.
I wonder what ridiculous story he told you to get you to drive him to court that day for our arraignment - the violation of my restraining order against him. I wonder when you two first began talking, because as he was winning you over, he may have still been abusing me. I wonder what he said to make that day seem like a normal occurrence, or how he spun it to make himself the “wrongfully accused”. You can’t wrongfully accuse someone with solid proof - screenshots don’t lie like he does, dear.
I bet a little voice inside your head is going off but you are talking yourself out of the accumulating red flags, like I did. “It’s not that bad… He`s so charming. He’s everything I’ve ever emotionally wanted, who cares if his clothes are a little dirty.” Deep inside your instincts are going off. You should listen to them. I didn’t and I regret it every day. I regret not listening to my family; I regret hearing the clicks of lighters through the bathroom door and seeing the syringes and not removing myself from the situation sooner.
I`m not talking about, “a little coke here and there”, or that he “experimented with drugs a long time ago”. I`m talking a full-blown, lying, daily heroin-injecting, meth-smoking drug addict.
You know it too
He never hides it well, he just picks women who want to be loved so much and have had a hard past and manipulates the situation to be the perfect man and no one wants to give that up, right? I pray your daughter never gets a hold of his needles, pipes or his black tar. Don’t you wonder why he’s always so sweaty? Why he wears long sleeves and complains about not being able to sleep? I wish I had someone warn me like I desperately wanted to warn you.
Yes, I know you are still in that process of still wondering who he is compared to what his actions say compared to his words. I bet you are carrying the majority of the financial load as well.
He’s an incredible liar. I only know because he said all the same things to me.
My dear, I am a good-hearted person - like you - and I gave and gave to him. I nearly lost myself to provide for him the best that I could, all while he was slowly destroying my spirit with his abuse and addictions. I am still healing from his abuse - not from losing him. I still have a long road ahead of me.
Getting the police involved helped a lot. Originally, my motivation for getting them involved was not for myself, but yet another attempt to help him and to put him before my own well being. You see, I felt badly for him. I still do. I knew he needed more help than I could provide by enabling his behaviors, and loved him with my whole heart. Finding syringes and a meth pipe in my apartment on several occasions, and my cats batting around the baggie of heroin, I knew this was bigger than me driving him daily to the methadone clinic… especially when he was still using, manipulating me and lying.
I wanted to help do the right thing for him. To me - in the moment - that meant sacrificing what I wanted most. I had to sacrifice the person who withdrew my energy, faith, hope and love for his own good. It broke my heart when he was arrested for violating the restraining order. I didn’t want to be the one who subjected him to that, but I had to remind myself that I wasn’t the one violating the law. HE was. All I did was get a restraining order, and he willfully chose to violate it, I didn’t make or force him.
I didn’t want him to be hurt, even after he’s said every nasty, vile, crude thing about me and my character. Even after he told me he was going to slit his throat on my apartment doorstep and hoped I would watch him die & inflict pain and suffering to my psyche.
He spins the story that I hate him, and how much I want to see him “ruined”, but that wasn’t the case at all. I just wanted him to get sober like he promised me, time and time again. I knew that the restraining order and terms of probation would legally require it, as well as require him to go through counseling for the underlying issues and why he abuses drugs and women. That was until I realized that I was simply another drug he was co-dependently using; he never loved me. I was simply a pawn in his game of survival.
I still have days where I am haunted and nights where I wake to nightmares of him or a scenario we were once in, but I know I am healing because each day gets a little easier. I know for sure that you are good person. He only settles with good people who he can suck dry - the kind, caring, loving women who have generous hearts.
My hope for you?
That you will see and listen to your instincts and get out before he destroys your spirit.
Love yourself more than you love him. That was where I faltered. Unconditional love is about loving someone through their faults, yes, but it is NOT about putting up with someone’s lack of respect for your boundaries and their toxic behaviors because you love them.
You are on a road to hurt beyond anything you can imagine if you choose not to listen… believe three other women who have been in your shoes, and his sisters.
I’m not angry with him… The only sad part about all of this is that I know too much about psychology to truly hate him for what he’s done to me. I can only forgive and move forward. I hope you have the strength to do the same, for you and for your little girl; she looks to you as a role model, and I’d hate for her thoughts about love to be tainted by his toxicity.