I write for therapy, if you all haven’t discovered this by now.
Growing up, my mother always told me to “have a little mystery”. I remember it vividly because she was always trying to keep me from showing too much of myself to those who would turn around and use it against me, which was her right and duty as a mother to protect her child.
At the time, I didn’t understand why I should hide the parts of myself that made me who I am - which I still don’t - I don’t think the lesson of holding mystery ever truly got through to me, as I clearly have a blog and put myself out there nearly every week with my feelings and thoughts for you all to read. I’ve also grieved and struggled with my trauma very openly lately, and many of you may find it irritating how vocal I am - you might describe it as my “seeking attention”, or a cop out. Shit, these might just be my own projections but I felt like this has to be said, for my own health and healing.
I’ve actually heard others say “she’s being over dramatic…”
“Why is she posting another meme on Facebook?” “How can she fall apart so publicly??” Because I don’t know how to fall apart. Because I’ve never been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder before. Because I’ve never had to recuperate from loving someone with an addiction. I don’t know how to heal from this. I’ve never been abused or been subjected to this kinda of trauma before, and because frankly, I don’t care how many times I have to say or reiterate something to finally feel better. I will heal on MY timeline and however publicly or privately I choose.
How sad is that? When someone goes through a traumatic life event, we immediately categorize them into one of two labels: deserving and understanding of their emotions and validate their experience, OR we devalue what they’re feeling and what they’ve gone through.
They say don’t rush - “don’t jump in too soon” - they say to hold back, have mystery…
Well, it may be stupid or reckless, but I refuse to apologize for loving all in and hard. The fact that I’m capable of doing that means I have a huge heart. Yes, I may give it to the wrong people or those undeserving and it may hurt me, but I wouldn’t be my authentic self.
I’m in roller derby, and injured my arm last week. is that going to keep me from skating? NO
Every person deals with and goes through their own process of healing, and every bit of progress is different for everyone. I’ve been saying this for almost two whole years now, after the narcissistic abuse of my adulterous ex-boyfriend:
“Hard is not relative; Hard is Hard. Who can tell me that explaining [your story] is harder than telling your child you’re getting a divorce?” There is no “hard-er”, there’s just “HARD”
We need to stop ranking each other’s issues and experiences against one another to value or devalue their existence.
It’s called compassion. I’ve spent years focusing on what I can do for others and sacrificing my own happiness to do what is either expected of me to fit within a box or to cater to others and their needs.
This is and will be very much about me.