An Open Letter to... Myself

I set myself up for vulnerability a lot - Just like I’m doing right now

As long as I can remember, my mother has always told me not to put my business out there for others to be able to use the information against me at a different point in time. Lately, I’ve heard that from more than just her. Even though it has set me back more than it’s helped me out, burning me when I trust the wrong person or people, I still think it’s one of my biggest strengths and most valuable qualities I own. There’s something to being truly raw and real with people that at times it can come off as remarkably strong or “too much”.

Cici from The Crimson Kiss on Instagram has some really in depth and whimsical posts, and it hit me hard and right in the feels. I read a quote the other day that really resonated with this feeling:

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Sometimes I feel like an idiot

for telling most of my secrets to the world, but other times I feel like that’s something about me that makes me “real”; I walk away from a situation or from a relationship (platonic or romantic) knowing I was genuine and that I held nothing back. I know that when I do something, whatever it may be, I put all of my effort into it; 100%. That’s the thing I’ve taken away from my recent personal experiences. It’s not that I’m not enough, and it isn’t that I didn’t try my hardest – it’s that I stepped up to the plate, I gave my all; I just was a reminder that what he was doing wasn’t up to par, and that I’m sure didn’t feel good from his perspective. It truly was easier for him to leave than to admit that maybe he’d gotten comfortable and stopped trying.

To the women who have gone through this before me, I acknowledge you…

For allowing them all of your time and attention, even when they were only available to you when it was convenient to them. Having undying hope is what makes you beautiful, and trusting. You gave yourself completely, despite all the signs that told you it wouldn't work out. You held on to the tiny parts and few reasons why it actually could. I commend you for having the strength to love someone who couldn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved, but loved you the way they knew how. You loved the wrong person, but that’s okay… all it did was reflect complete bravery on your part.

That said, the gym is exactly the best relationship I’ve ever had.

It’s the only thing in my life that truly gives me back what effort I put into it. The same with my nutrition and eating habits. You have to really be open and honest with yourself if you’re ever going to make progress, and I think that’s why I started this blog a year ago. Stepping out of my vulnerability bubble, understanding that I am putting myself out there to be ridiculed by the wrong people and possibly be made a fool… and still doing it anyway because that’s me being true to myself regardless of what anyone else thinks. I'm grateful for my little Soaring Society, for you all have let me be me when I write about my journey.

You'd think the lifting would be the heaviest weight to carry, but sometimes it's not. 

My (*gulp*) ex-boyfriend told me that I try so hard to do the right thing, and gauge all other reactions and perspectives of those around me, so much so that I lose sight of the main picture and end up making things worse; that I try “too hard”. So that’s where this stems from – my want and need to be seen as real and genuine by myself.

So this one post isn’t for anyone else

I’m writing this one for me.

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