Tighten up

I’m a crier. I cry for legitimately what seems like everything. Ask anyone who’s spent more than a day with me, and they would tell you that.

Whether I’m happy, sad, frustrated or simply watching tv and a commercial comes on that tugs at your heart strings, just the right amount... the dam breaks and here comes the waterworks.

Lately, however, it just feels like someone left the faucet running at a constant light drizzle. You know, the kind where you thought you turned the knob tight enough in the ‘off’ position, but it wasn’t complete? Yeah. That’s where I’m at these days.

I get triggered by the smallest things and start crying at the drop of a hat! I lovingly see similarities in actors facial expressions on tv and in the characters in movies, then begin uncontrollably sobbing. I dream and have nightmares where this ended differently - both positively, as well as negatively.

I unwillingly play back memories and succumb to flashes of events; everything we’ve been through from the highs (figuratively for me and very literally for him), and the lows.

I get mangled by these ‘rewinds’ and replays... how he so easily switched back and forth between love, tension and hate towards me. I hear him in my head say I’m the best thing he’s ever had, and in the next how nasty and disgusting I am. I remember what it’s like to sleep or dance in his arms - or how he’d nuzzle his face in my neck while I was cooking in the kitchen... and how I recoiled when he punched my car dashboard in anger. How his hands touched me always so sweetly and every time he yelled because I caught him in lie after lie.

My heart wants to speak to him, just as it  wanted to jump out of my chest that September day in court, follow him through the cage and hug him. I’ve never wanted to run to someone so badly in my life... like the first time I saw him in my apartment parking lot after getting back from Ohio. I’ve never loved but also feared someone in the same moment; maybe because the person I loved was an illusion. Maybe I miss the man he pretended to be, not the actual man himself.

All I know is that I can’t get the plumbing to work correctly. I haven’t found the way to fix this runny faucet or how to tighten up... and I’m wasting water.

I’m just so broken