Sometimes, the battle is within... Not necessarily outward, or based on appearance. I was talking with my work "person" (see grey's anatomy reference My Person)... and she said seem more like myself lately. I lamented that I was crying over my happiness at seeing a band I've loved for 15+ years, or that a friend of mine left my apartment and that:
I want to go back on my anti-depressants
"Why?"
"Well, because I shouldn't cry in those moments..." I said. "Why does that stuff affect me so much?"
"What do you mean 'should'? You felt things in those moments. You didn't want to say goodbye and didn't want the fun to end - you enjoyed yourself at the concert and didn't you feel good afterward?"
"Well, yeah..."
"Who cares?"
"People look at me funny when I cry. They call me "crybaby" or "overemotional" when I do..."
"So...? This is you - your true authentic self."
That conversation made me think - the people who truly love me? They know me. They don't mind if I cry. They see it in me, comfort me and build me up. I was happy, and emoting properly with an abundance of HAPPY emotions. Why should I go on an anti depressant for emoting "happy"?
The people who have said those hurtful things, that made me second guess myself constantly and how I *appropriately* react to things by either rolling their eyes or suggesting I'm over emotional in a negative context have all LEFT ME when I needed them. Emotional Abandonment is what I have called it previously. They don't care about me, genuinely...
SO WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
I read an article today - You Are Not Too Fucking Sensitive - and it was BEAUTIFUL. In it, the author goes on about how much it stings to get called "Too Sensitive" and provides situations where you might be called that... I loved this quote:
"You’re not too (fucking) sensitive. You’re engaged. Connected. Human. Awake. Alive.
The people accusing you of being too (fucking) sensitive? They’re disconnected."
I sometimes have to re-teach myself things I've learned once or even twice before since it becomes so regularly accepted for me to second guess my nature. Well, I've been re-learning this my entire life. Just with new people I've given chances to and opened up to. I like to think this particular lesson isn't me being naive and carefree with my personal stories or details, but that I'm not allowing cold and shallow true natures of the characters in my story to make my soft nature hardened. That I'm still open and true to myself in that aspect.
I've been told time and time again that I'm wrong. Recently, I was in a relationship where I was constantly emotionally 'abused' (I use that term lightly, even now) by being constantly being invalidated. By both the guy I was with and his friends. I'm "too this, too that". You know what? You're right.
Wait... What?
Yeah! You're totally right - I'm too much for you! That's okay.
Please, if you are offended or annoyed by who I am, by all means, GO ! I don't need to waste time on people who don't want to accept me for all that I offer. That includes the waterworks over a cute puppy. That includes crying because I am overwhelmed by emotion and happy/sad/angry/frustrated.
My boss said it best - "Do I wish you didn't take things so personally? Of course. Are you good at your job and do you get the work done efficiently? Always." He said that's just dealing with people. Everyone is different and handles situations the best they know how.
Look it's the same thing I said in "Why “You’re Too Sensitive” Is A Cop Out":
I'm PROUD of being "too sensitive"; it means I'm kind and cautious with other people's feelings and don't want to be hurtful on purpose.
It means that I have a passion for ALL things I invest my time into and do things with 100% authenticity. I'm transparent - I'm open and honest in my reactions to things with ZERO poker face - and I find that a great couple of qualities
To quote the band I cried at the show over:
"Don't write yourself off yet...
You feel looked down on
Try your best
Don't worry what they tell themselves
when you're away
They're all the same
You're doing better on your own
Just be yourself
It doesn't matter if it's good enough
for someone else"
If I'm too much for you, that's okay. I'm enough for me.